Basic Progress - Prologue

Love is something that I never really could do. It is not just an emotion or thinking well of another, it involves the soul -- it is a demonstrative passion. I was unable to place anyone on the same level as myself. I had never loved anybody or anything except myself and maybe my potential. Friendship, community, service, and commitment were only concepts with which I had no personal experience. I had been self absorbed and the world has shown me that is not functional. The truth is that people are more important than my own whims. Relationships are what matter!

Let me think: My relationships respond to my actions. My actions reflect my thinking and perception. My thinking and perception dictate my emotions, and my emotions move my will. Sound confusing? It is. So much for self help. I needed to turn my will and life over to the care and direction of God.

It was during this time period that I met my best friend. Brenda had been a single parent for seven years. I was fed up with relationships and convinced that I couldn't do them. Brenda was not at all interested in falling in love. It was perfect. We often met at coffee shops and talked. We laughed and traded stories and became steadfast buddies. It was several months before we found ourselves in the parking lot, uncomfortably looking at each other before she was to leave for the Thanksgiving weekend in '91. She was uncomfortable with the trip, so we prayed together and I kissed her goodnight. It was the most comfortable kiss. We both knew.

I had accidentally found out how to develop a healthy relationship. We found out what was in each others hearts and minds before we found out what was in each others pants. If you really want a good relationship that's probably the way to do it. Of course, that is what the Bible instructs us to do. Remember the question I had about the benefits of doing the right thing? I'm a slow learner. I was married for the last time, September 13, 1992.

Courtney was nine and Brittany was eleven. I did not impress them. Single parent households are often a situation where the responsible parent overcompensates for the lack of a mate. The problem is compounded by depending on the oldest to baby sit and supervise the youngest. Brittany was not happy with the changes.

One night she threw a fit and ran out the front door. We found her hiding in some bushes three hours later. Brenda was intolerant. She had bent over backwards to accommodate her daughters and was disgusted with the lack of cooperation. As she dragged Brittany out the door to move her to her grandparents home for awhile, Brittany leered at me and screamed,

"Look what you have done to my family!"

I was confused. I was scared. I did not know the blessing that girl would be in my life. I did not understand the responsibilities of parenting. It was also my last chance to grow up. There is no greater task than to mold a child in the ways of love, life, and God's will.

We were not married two months when I was approached by an old friend to go into business. He had owned a restaurant in Arkansas, and now had been presented with an opportunity in East Texas.

We opened a eatery / bakery. Our menu was not complicated, but we enjoyed some mild initial success. We developed cookie recipes and made large monster cookies for retail sale convenience stores. We named it The Blue Jay Cafe & Cookie Co. We decorated it with antique signs and had a counter where the customers could sit and watch the workers in the bakery. An old fashioned mixer mixed dough. It seemed to be working. We just had to build our client base.

Within three months, my partner quit. He could not afford to wait. Brenda supported us with her job. We had seven employees, and a fairly decent business. I had not earned any salary, but the routes for cookie sales were slowly but surely expanding. Eventually, we had over 225 stores. I was positive with enough faith, we would pull through and eventually live in luxury. Does the "disease of status" ring a bell?

I was making enough money to pay all the bills and all the employees. I took home about 300 dollars a month. The day that I closed it down was a happy day for Brenda. She could have her husband back. This business was a dumb idea.

It threw me into a dark depression that immobilized me for two weeks. I had bathed this enterprise in prayer. I had been positive that this was what God had wanted for me. I now know that it was God's will, but to teach me many lessons: the nature of the business world, the importance of planning, the imperative nature of discipline, etc. The most important thing it taught me was how important my family is. Once again, I was defeated.

The emotional bottom experienced in the admission of inadequacy is the fuel that propels us towards the checkered flag of God's grace. What is it that you won't do to experience balance, solace, and purpose? How often do we take our comfort in the fact that things could be worse? Why have we settled for a less than efficient mode of living, while the ability and power that created this magnificent universe is available to help with my next appointment, the garden out back, national politics, and the rearrangement of principles, priorities, and values within!

What is God's will for me? Have you thought that maybe the reason the burning bush story is told in the Bible is because it is so unique? Our answer may be slow in developing from moment to moment or day to day. The again, maybe God is waiting impatiently to bless your decision? Maybe God wants to teach us some lessons from a failed decision. There are plenty of lessons to learn. Maybe God just wants us to think about His will.

I found out that what God wanted me to learn was of humility. I needed to learn some things about discipline and some things about business. I found that sometimes it is God's will, but his will is that we learn the lessons we need to be closer to him.

I know that God isn't going to give me more than I can handle right now. What that means is that God isn't going to give me any more to learn than what I'm supposed to learn. The fact of the matter is that if I'm upset about something, something is wrong with me, not Him. I might not understand why, but if I shore up my faith, prayer life, and relationships, God will provide my needs.

Shortly after the Blue Jay Cafe & Cookie Co. was closed, I went into a deep depression. I felt like I had struggled to get here and that the results didn't warrant the trouble. I sincerely felt like I did not want to continue living. I prayed that God take me. I didn't want to go on.

Suicide is the most selfish act an individual can perform. We have no idea how many people do care about us. There are so many transitions in life that we leave behind, so many unanswered questions. I understand how lonely and hopeless it feels to be inundated with trial and misfortune. I have been at the bottom. I am not saying that I should be rewarded for not killing myself, the Lord knows that is due more to cowardice than courage. Neither am I saying that death of a loved one, under any circumstance, should not be grieved, that is a natural and healthy process. What I am saying is that we should kill the person the I made, not the one that God made.

I was laying in bed one night feeling sorry for myself. I was praying that God take me. I did not have the fight in me to go on. What happened that night caught my attention like nothing else had to that point.

One night, I was laying in bed meditating. I wanted to die. Full of self pity, I carelessly asked God to take me, I have had enough. I now believe that I experienced a transcendental type experience. As I focused on the area behind my forehead, I noticed a point of light, a star-like dot. As I concentrated this image came towards me and I was soon engulfed in it. As If I was shot through a bright tunnel, I shot out the other end and I was flying!

I was going so fast, I could not make out anything. It appeared that directly below me was a paved road and all around was green with yellow specks, like a cornfield. I thought that God had accepted my proposal and my time was up!

I was scared. I said, "Wait! I love my wife!"

I then opened my eyes in my bedroom and held her in my arms as she peacefully slept.

However it happened, my bluff had been called. I have not asked to die since! I was just feeling sorry for myself. I'm glad I didn't jump off a building or cocked a gun. Those decisions are irreversible.

For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was happy to be alive. Oh yeah, if you want to know what heaven is like, it appeared to me to be like a cornfield on a highway somewhere in Iowa.

I had to change my understanding of marriage. I had to become a good husband. It is self evident that what did not work in a prior relationship will probably not work in the next one. If things don't change,... things don't change!

It is not the Brenda's job to clean up after me. Marriage is not bread and breakfast. It is not the wife's sole obligation to raise the children and pay bills. It is our life together that makes these pesky nuances of progress a stable component of a loving relationship. It is a disgrace to her and I am ashamed of my inadequacies to maintain my end of the marital covenant. I will diligently continue work to make up the difference.

That means that I have to overreach the mark of fairness. Wherever "even" might normally fall is irrelevant. I should push it half the distance again toward her. She deserves better. I understand that male and female are different and equipped to do different things. There are many activities that a woman does naturally that a man does not do well at all and vice versa. I believe that any attempt to make the marital relationship a scale of sameness is doomed to heightened tension and frustration. We are not the same, we are different - but entirely equal. We are together to complement each other. A true sign of a gifted marriage is the ability to teach each other and to learn from each other. Brenda and I are soul mates.

It is my understanding that throughout Scripture, the man has the spiritual imperative. "Does this mean that we are to stand in judgment? Does the scripture say that a man is the lord of his house and the woman nothing but his servant? No. Not at all. The spiritual responsibility for the household is one of stewardship and instruction. It is one of prayer, devotion, and worship. The directive to care for the souls of the family is rooted in demonstration of spiritual principles and spiritual activity. It means to show God and personal faith to the family. The husband's job in the family boils down to spiritual leadership. Prayer, worship, and devotion are his job. Everything else stems from that.

This being the case, it means that our lives together are not fractionated and compartmentalized. It means that we are united in our efforts to maintain a clean house and to be responsible for our debts. It means that decisions should be made together -- conscientious discussions to find the best course for the family, the spouse, and the husband according to the will of God. We do not have to be right. We are not superior --instead, we are complementary servants. I have been blessed to have a wife that can, for whatever reason, model the life of Christ more expediently than I. She is my angel.

We began to take correspondence courses as a family. We had devotionals during the week. Brenda and the girls attended worship every Sunday. Sometimes, I would go! We have prayed together as a family every night. Brenda and I rarely get mad enough to not pray as a couple. Every night, I hold her and lead us in prayer to God. Daily we offer our marriage to God. It has made the difference. Do it.

This is not to say that there are not lingering effects of a pagan lifestyle. God does not grant us amnesia. It was a difficult for me to adjust my language and my behavior. It was not instantaneous. My spiritual experience is what William James would call the learning variety. God has seen fit for me to learn the hard way. It is likely that I would not be equipped to help others had I not had to struggle with the lingering consequences of sin.

I have struggled with the physical yearnings of sexual satisfaction. Brenda is the most beautiful woman in the history of the world, but my old ways of thinking have been the source of much problem in this area. There is not any doubt as to the cause of my weakness in the sexual arena. When I was in the world as a drunken pagan, instead of maintaining any kind of morality, I pursued pornography as a source of physical relief.

I am certainly in no moral position to claim that as the end of my sexual activity. I had intimate relations with just about any one that would have me, but I was usually in no condition to be had --and that is not an exaggeration. Nor is it my point.

Sexuality and intimacy is a reasonable response to a vital human instinct often referred to as 'reproduction.' It is necessary to note the boundaries and margins that are in place for this type of relationship; there are legitimate spiritual consequences to falling into a lifestyle nourished by lust.

The main issue is that many of those illegitimate relationships have found a place in my consciousness, whereby they are easily recalled. In fact, it is almost like the physical fulfillment actually creates a memory photo. These pictures are easily retrieved and my imagination and fantasy world can go get cranked up without much prompting. I can sin at a moment's notice. That is trouble. It inhibits my potential to satisfy my wife and it takes away my opportunity for righteous nurturing and intimacy in a divinely blessed marital relationship.

I know that. I understand that, but,... Pornography is readily available, and I have, at times, failed to show the restraint necessary. I have made contracts with my eyes, I have prayed, I have gone to other rooms. I have avoided the temptation altogether --for months even, but it is an ongoing temptation, and at some point I find myself needing satisfaction and,...boom!

When I fall, it ain't just a stumble. When that happens, the visual arousal of nude pictures replace the healthy response of intimate engagement with my wife. That sin has been so devastating in the long run. To heal, we have had to reacquaint ourselves as friends and learn how to be physically intimate in the presence of God. I just never really have loved anybody before. It has been a constant trial to overcome the old ingrained ways of sin.

With alcohol, abstain. That is just not true with food or the sexual urge. I need the power of God to relieve me of this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I don't claim healing, but I can claim that it no longer has the spell on me that it formerly had. I now am much more disciplined, but my wife has been hurt. My marriage has been hurt.

It probably hurts her to read this. I do want any who travel this path to know that you are not alone. I love Brenda with all my heart, I am so thankful that my wife is such an angel. I surely wish I was one, too.

We're probably making progress,... basic progress.