Basic Progress - Prologue

Tired of living at home, I fell in lust with a young lady and shortly thereafter, I moved in with her. She had been sober for less time than I, in other words, she had been recovering from her own problems for less time than I. She had children, the youngest was sixteen. I was not prepared to be a stepfather at all. Our relationship was full of arguments and anger.

We had been living together for some time and we were not compatible. We argued and fussed and could not come to agreement on much, even TV shows. I moved out. Having had plenty of experience in leaving people behind, I moved on, but she called from time to time.

She called me one night about a month later, and some feelings were stirred. I knew that living together didn't work, so maybe, a commitment would work, Hmm..., we got married. It sounded reasonable at the time! We had come to a monumental agreement --that our real problem was that we had never really made a commitment! So, in an attempt to resolve our relationship issues, we got married!

She was a beautiful lady. She adored me. I did not have the capacity to love. There was a house with a fence. I was living reasonably. I had two dogs, transportation, and a basketball goal in my front yard. Wasn't this the way life is supposed to be? We tried everything to remedy our troubles. We went to church. We went to counseling. We tolerated each other. I know that hot and steamy does not a marriage make, but it's better than dull and boring. Nevertheless, there had better be something to take its place when the passion fades.

I was beginning to doubt God. Why had he left me in this mess? Maybe it wasn't God's fault.

Our dogs were Yogi and Cleopatra. Yogi was a German Shepherd half breed and Cleo was a pit bull. These two dogs were loving dogs. They both were trained and did tricks. I enjoyed them. The problem arose when I left for work. Periodically, maybe once a month, they would climb the fence and, literally destroy the area. They loved to rummage through the neighborhood garbage. Upon my return, the devastation was widespread. I was so embarrassed. This was the reason I had bought the fence in the first place. With the exception of chaining them up, I had tried everything, to stop them.

One day, I drove off and camped out a block away. I waited. Sure enough, Cleo cleared the fence and yogi was right behind her. He threw his front legs over the top and climbed over. I let them get away from the house a bit. I then drove around to catch them. Cleo was back at the house in a flash. Yogi froze.

I went into a rage. I grabbed him by his neck and threw him. All the way back to the yard, I kicked and punched and screamed at this dog. He was cowered. I grabbed him and hoisted him above my head and threw him over the fence. He landed awkward. I thought I might have killed him. I was shocked at myself. I checked him out. He seemed O.K.. I went inside. I felt terrible.

I cursed myself. I cried, I could not bear me. I was out of control. I still did not like me. I sat in deep depression for what seemed like hours.

Finally, I decided to go outside and check on the dogs. When I opened the door, there on the porch was Yogi. His tail was wagging so hard, his back legs were coming off the ground!

I hugged and petted him. From then on, I chained them up while I was gone. They never complained. Sometimes we have a false notion that animals have human rights. No, we are stewards. Humans have responsibilities to pets and to the world around us.

God spoke to Balaam through a donkey. I believe that God had used a mutt to teach me unconditional love and a brown pigeon to show me, I don't know,... something. I still felt like he looked.

This marriage was soon in shambles. We made one last run at it. We purchased an Amway distributorship. The emotional uplift and the teamwork was appealing. We were mildly successful. That actually accentuated the problems with trust and security. It hadn't worked.

So..., I went to a country church house to speak with the local preacher man. He was informed of the mission. Like most religious folks who have never encountered serious trouble, he was cautious. I had to be more honest than most people are comfortable with.

We talked. I morbidly detailed my circumstances. My pride swelled from guilt and shame, I sobbed. He teared up with compassion. At the time, I didn't understand why he was crying, but, I certainly hope I never forget why I was. I was again at my bottom. After spending all day with me, we did talk about Christ and we prayed. It was important. It was refreshing. I surrendered to God's will with this holy man as my witness.

That degree of surrender fluctuates, but it seems that the main prerequisite is intense heartache and emotional trauma. Self examination will cut through the arrogance of pride blindness and save us from depths that many hardheaded and foolhardy souls have to endure just to save face.

That day changed the direction of my life. It is amazing to me the lack of confession in the world today. Let's wear masks and pretend that we are fine, just fine. Forget, hide, cover up... let's keep secrets! Not only is that the emotional equivalent of picking a scab, socially it is a barrier to true fellowship and community. I understand that there are naysayers and gossips, and we do need to be careful regarding our confidence, but that is no excuse. Secrets are the infection of spiritual decay. I refuse to keep my miracle to myself.

I had not accepted Christianity, nor was it forced on me. I began to have confidence in religious folks. I began to attend church every once in a while, and Easter for sure. In the sober resistance to His presence, I had encountered severe emotional pain and heartache. I now included my pinup calendar, my golf swing, faraway places and any circumstances that I might possibly encounter at any time in the distant future. Being alive and not perpetually upset, had been quite a glorious experience. Many of the moments of intense gratitude were essentially comparative. My life had been so much better than it had ever been that I felt guilty for not being in a constant state of ecstasy! Another one of those illusions that cause eventual spiritual decay.

We had attempted to become successful. We knew that if we had enough money, or the right car, or the nicest home our marriage would survive. It is the illusion that by meeting man-made standards we will achieve happiness: the root source of a spiritual disease that I call "status." That illness drives us to impress and compare; it is the sickness that mandates living out of our means. I had produced what should have brought happiness: two dogs, a beautiful woman, money, transportation, and a basketball goal in my front yard.

Status is that driving force behind greed, envy, and low self worth. Money and things are a lousy way of keeping score. The nonsense that big toys, attractive mates, tailored clothes, fast cars, graduate diplomas, large tax bills, and registered pets are the marks of success is grandest trick ever played on the human condition. Don't misunderstand, many of my problems were resolved when I threw some money at them. I mean poverty doesn't buy happiness either. So what does money have to do with it? It is a tool to do what needs to be done.

I am not condemning profits or even wealth. I do not think that God made the diamonds and the gold for the devil's folk, but he did expect us to be gracious and share the harvest. Those of us who have been blessed with much have a tremendous obligation to pass it on to those who are needy --and to do it gladly. Where is your heart?

This condition is not limited to those who have much. It is likely that those of us without have a critical problem with status. I have had much and I have had a little. My concerns changed, but misplaced concerns will always lose. I had to change the insides, not the outsides. My experience is that when my insides got better, I was able to accept and appreciate the outside, whatever the conditions. Of course, stability and balance dictate the flow of our responses and reactions, but when my identity became focused on God, the outsides had less and less effect. It was easier to accept life on life's terms.

I learned this the hard way. I wanted to hoard things and compare lifestyles. The big picture was a mess. My second marriage abruptly came to a halt, I was laid off from work, and the multilevel distributorship that was growing was lost. The problem that created the temporary sense of fulfillment was one of management.

As an adult, I have demonstrated a complete disdain for authority, an appalling inability to maintain healthy relations of any form, and a general lifestyle that has been conducive to restlessness, irritability, and increasing frustration. The truth is that I had only turned over certain aspects of my life to God, but, isn't He too busy to handle my career, my relationships, and my finances?

I have struggled with the religious doctrine concerning divorce. Considering my history, I have often wondered how the religious community would accept me. I certainly do not come to the table with a spot-free resume. It is obvious that God has instituted marriage as the acceptable method of maintaining intimacy between opposite sex partners and that it should be for life. Infidelity is the only acceptable reason for divorce. Regardless of reason divorce is tragic and it is not what God has in mind for us. Those of us who have gone through it know best how terrible it really is, but forgivable.

Unfortunately, many have used the doctrine of marriage fidelity and divorce, as a spiritual pillow. Because they have not endured the failure of marriage, it is often misused as a chief indicator of moral superiority. I recommend reading the Bible. There is only one indicator of moral superiority --and that is because of God's grace! Except the forgiveness of God, I do not defend my divorces in any way, but I am saddened concerning the lack of empathy, compassion and tolerance for those who have suffered from pagan stupidity. The church or its members who are unable to accept repentance in this or any other area of human folly have an inadequate view of God's grace and love. But that is OK, --it has to be. I can't condemn them either. It's not our job: our job is to be of service to God and His world.

Here I was, again, living at home with Mom and Dad. My second ex-wife filed for divorce, it would be awfully difficult to blame this one on drinking. Not drinking had very little effect on my abilities to make good decisions. My head had been in the clouds and my feet had been firmly planted in midair! I went back to AA with my tail tucked firmly between my legs.

Emotionally, I can't confidently say that I ever outgrew the "terrible two's!" The most positive statement that can be made is that I have enjoyed an extended childhood. Some of us can be good examples and some of us have to be bad examples. I've been both a good and a bad example within 15 minutes!

Three and half years after coming home from Vegas, I was sitting on the end of a pier contemplating whether or not to get drunk or, "well, I'll just blow my brains out." No, not now. Another divorce.. it would be awfully difficult to blame this one on drinking. I learned then I was the real problem. Finally, I understood; --MY life could no longer be successfully managed by ME!

Crisis has a tendency to do that. Staying surrendered is the ticket. Is there any way to stay surrendered? Where do you go to give up?

Thirty three and living at home with Mom and Dad.

A local AA group had decided to close its doors. The electricity was off. An old friend and I sat in this dark AA hall for three days talking. One week before rent was due, we decided to have a meeting. I went and contacted all the people I knew and we started having meetings there. My focus became helping others. We spoke only of the basic principles of spiritual formation and studied the Big Book. That book came out of the experience of the first alcoholics, who had originally used the Bible for instruction. I was still not interested in the "Good Book," but I was interested in being productively content. We were serious about following instructions. We wanted whatever life offered, and if AA failed I wanted to know that it was the guidelines and not my own designs. Of course, if it failed, what would that mean? But, it didn't.

There was much adversity, especially from the old timers. At one meeting, I got mad because they were mad and told them what they could do with the club. It wasn't nice. I was furious and drove off in a huff. After taking a right turn, I was pulled over by the police and was arrested for an outstanding warrant. The reason they had pulled me over was an illegal left turn. I sat for four hours in the county jail. The warrant was for someone else. I was released.

I think that God wanted me to think about my life. He wanted me to calm down. I went back to the Triangle club and ate some humble pie. I am sure that there are scoffers, who would like to question whether God works through people who have not accepted the Bible and all of its details. The Bible offers a unique relationship with God and, as much humanly possible, a complete understanding of God, but that prior to accepting the propositions of the Bible, God is hard at work in the business of restoring people to that possibility.

Through the process of growing, helping others, and throwing myself whole heartedly into this process, many others were blessed. After two and a half years, that group had over two hundred members. I certainly don't take the credit, there were many who were as desperate as I, but God showed himself in a grand way in that old restored laundry room called the Triangle club. A lot of good can come out of our worst experiences, as long as we are honest, confessional and return to what we need to be doing.

For an individual with an addictive mind set, accepting the power of God is like scaling a treacherous cliff. The demons that had me did not want to help with the gear. I wanted to belong, but I knew that I was different! I had come full circle. The very inner yearning that had driven me down the path of rebellion had, again, boxed me into a blind alley. I had no option. Certainly, a backdoor approach to the Master, but it was the only door remaining.

Fortunately, "the Great I Am," loves us for fun and for free, warts and all! I have a suspicion that angels are cheering the whole way from here on in!