Basic Progress - Prologue

As soon as the blizzard of '77 had partially subsided, I moved to Texas to live with my Grandmother. It was the town in which my father had been raised. I really did not do much for the family name. I was given a job working on the railroad in the track gang. I never did get the knack for swinging a maul, but I could work a pick. Most of the time, I was under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs. At a derailment, I was in such bad shape that the foreman actually sent me down the track to check for incoming trains! That was a most useful nap.

I did learn one thing from that foreman that has served me well. He was a stout middle aged Afro-American. He pulled me off to the side one day and showed me how to twist my wrists to better 'work' the spike maul. After giving an impressive demonstration, he then gave me the instruction that, "This is how it works for me, but you need to do what is easiest for you."

Back then, I thought he was another old codger who had not amounted to much. After blisters and sore muscles and about two weeks of missing rail spikes had me doing exactly what he had shown me, I reconsidered. Now, when I hear one with experience say things like that, I listen. Most important it is easy to tell people what to do, but it is always more generous and effective to show them. That old codger gave me a real gift. Life's lessons are best learned through observation and practice, not instruction and theory.

For a short time, I worked as a pool attendant and maintenance helper at a apartment complex. I had some buddies that lived in the complex. Often, my employer asked where I had been. I left my trunk open or sometimes I left doors unlocked to give the impression that I was somewhere in the vicinity. They never found out where I was partying, but that didn't keep them from firing me. Sometimes my priorities were out of place.

I went to work as a welders helper at a natural gas plant. I was a common laborer. Every day at noon, the guys went for a ride into the country where we could drink a quart or two of beer and share marijuana. The last half of the daily shift was always more fun. After 'lunch' one afternoon, in my fascinated state, I became enamored with the light show. Man, I know why goggles are used. That night, my eyes felt like someone had poured a bag of sand in them. Most of my lessons I learned the hard way. The doctor gave me some medicine and put gauze patches over my eyes. During that forty-eight hour miserable darkness, I could not escape me. A late teenager already demonstrating a destructive pattern of irresponsibility and instability My misery was too graphic to ignore.

Oh well, education was not what I wanted and now, neither was labor.

In the fall of 1979, I flew to Panama to visit my family and I stayed too long. My father demanded that I go to school or get a job. I did not want to leave, but Dad knew that I had to go. I was sent stateside in January. It was the last Christmas I would spend with them for nine years.

The next fall, my brother, John, returned to the states. He lived with me for a short while. We had both been excited about living as room mates. The day he moved out he said, "Jay, I do not approve of your lifestyle. I love You, but if you choose to continue this way, I cannot be a part of your life."

I shrugged and kept on keeping on... he was grieved, but he had to do what he had to do. Oh well, at least, I wasn't a hypocrite.

For the next couple of years, I worked in the food & beverage industry as a waiter and a short stint as restaurant manager. At age 20, I decided to be a cook. It wasn't a major decision. I did not enjoy the public and it just seemed like the thing to do. For awhile, I cooked on top of a building in Tyler. The Plaza Club was a private city club.

The panic stricken middle eastern maitre' d busted into the kitchen, "The rum don't work!"

"I cannot flambe' the bananas foster!" He shrieked.

I grinned at the other cook. We had been drinking the light rum and replacing it with water. The manager didn't lock up the booze until he caught me drinking the beer intended for the shrimp batter.

My cooking skills were improving. There were several chef changes at the plaza club. The last one they hired was a friend who had partied with me. We argued incessantly. I put in a notice. This was a continued pattern reflecting my false pride and animosity toward any resemblance of authority.

My determination to do what I wanted to do is worthy to be mentioned. If hardheadedness is a prerequisite for success, I was well on my way to fame and fortune. I recall testing for the military to determine my potential. My score was impressive. The recruiter told me that I could have any job the navy offered: radar, nuclear fuel, in fact, he said that I could likely become and officer. I do not know whether he was telling me the truth or not, but, I dogmatically informed him that I wanted to be a cook!

Misapplied enthusiasm can create trouble in an instant that will endure a lifetime.

After boot camp and basic training for the U S Navy, I received orders to report to the USS Bronstein, a fast frigate for duty as a ship's cook. I remember the day that I arrived in Dallas to report. There was an awful accident that had backed up traffic on Interstate 20 for miles. As we drove by the wreckage, it was obvious a truck driver had come across the median and literally destroyed a van.

We hurried through the business and machinery of Dallas. We were late and became more and more frustrated with the lack of parking. A small oversight for such an elaborate city. From the gray concrete military center, I traveled by military bus to the Dallas Fort Worth Airport. There were masses of people and miles of cement, and that was even more stunning as we lifted off of the ground in the huge DC - 10. Even though the plainness of the man made world had become a normal scene, one cannot help but to be impressed with the achievements of Mankind.

After several hours of lay over in San Francisco, I recall flying over Alaska. It was white and it was getting whiter all the time. As the day drew to a close we flew through hours of snow into the cold darkness. In Anchorage, it was freezing and snowing. I could not sleep and I could not get comfortable. I remember cursing the weather. We left Alaska in the middle of the night. We had to fly around the Pacific because of distance. We had to stop in Okinawa. I finally fell off to sleep.

I was awaken by the gasps of fellow travelers. I saw that they were looking out the port side of the Airplane. I looked out the starboard side. What I saw was incredible. Beneath us, in the pre dawn light I saw the city of Tokyo. Miles and miles of city, and cars, and buildings, it was huge! I was mesmerized by the achievements of Mankind.

I saw an opening in a window seat and I stood over and looked through the oval glass. What I saw there I will never forget. The sun was barely peeking over the Pacific. the entire sky had developed shades of ascending colors of a real bright rainbow. The sea reflected a quivering ray of light that extended to the horizon; The ocean was sprinkled with the darkened shadows of a thousand islands. There were ships and fishing boats. For ten minutes, I watched the lights crescendo to display a world that was absolutely stunning. I have been many places, but I will never forget that moment. We all sat down to peer through the oblong windows. It was only then, that I looked over to the western horizon and saw the imposing figure of Mt. Fuji.

Later in that same day, I was transported from Clarke Air Force base in Manila, Philippines to Subic Bay Naval Station. There were three busloads of military personnel. The bus drivers had a bet - and the first one there wins. The problem is that there are both flat tiered rice paddies laid in as the mountains provide room. We thought that it was fun -as long as we were on the flat lands; The drivers didn't seem to think that the two lane curving mountain roads were any less safe. On one particular blind curve, our bus was passing and an unexpected bus barely made it between the two thundering buses. I'll never forget hanging on to the shoulder of that mountain. The valley below had lost its glory and I could not close my eyes.

The next day, I joined the Bronstein. I was given a tour by Petty Officer Dorn. I thought I could impress him by asking intelligent questions. I did not know what to ask so I blurted out, "Uh, what time tonight do we set anchor?"

He laughed uncontrollably, "Boot, you are in a twenty-four hour navy!" I really impressed Petty Officer Dorn. I am sure wherever he is, whatever he is doing, he is still telling the story of the dumb boot who asked if the Navy stopped because of darkness.

To grasp the ignorance of that question, it is not sufficient just to understand that the US Navy is a 24 hour operation. To be sure, Christopher Columbus did not set anchor at night! If anything they were more confident at night because of the celestial navigation!

What a trip: I had seen the most fascinating displays of human achievement -- the cement, pavement, and bricks. I had flown through the skies half way around the earth, taken a bus ride through rice paddies and a car through downtown Dallas. And slept that night on a ship in the middle of the Pacific Ocean! I had also seen the worst of man: wreckage and recklessness; I wondered how the world kept on ticking. It is chaotic, isn't it?

Later after "darken ship" I found my way to the "spud locker." It was where the potatoes and onions were stored. I laid on it and considered the beauty of the most clear sky I had ever seen. I was reminded of the panorama of morning, the beauty of the land, and the wonders of winter. I had come through the piney woods of East Texas, flown over the majestic American West and the Rocky Mountains. The whiteness of Alaska and the overnight blackness of the Pacific rolled through my mind. Oh, and the sunrise over the Japanese Isles against in contrast to the enormous Mt. Fuji. I, again focused on the present. The black sky was a used pin cushion of speckled lights. I am not sure that anybody, in such a short time span, can be shown a greater picture of God's work. I could not see what I would not see.

I could not help but to nurture the embarrassing display of my own ignorance. My depression needed nurturing. I was by myself again, and a laughing stock of the crew. It doesn't matter how far you go, or what means you take, you cannot outrun yourself. I felt like I had been run over by the "welcome wagon." Laying on the spud locker after "darken ship," I was so lonely.

My tour in the Navy was a critical time in my development. There are far more benefits of having that experience than not having enlisted at all. Sadly, most of my lessons were learned the hard way, and applied in retrospect several years afterward.

Our ship traveled to the South pacific and the Orient, home ported in San Diego. I was in fact a quite talented cook. After some time as the "jack of the dust," the ships food storekeeper I was assigned to the ward room, the officers' dining facility, as the chief steward. The officer's enjoyed my cooking. Most of my enlistment, I wore a gold smock. My special uniform proved I was different from the rest of the crew! It was evident that my rapid promotions were a sign of success to come!

At the age of twenty one, I had joined the Navy with the highest score in that region that year. I later scored one of the highest grades on my advancement test nationwide. Now, there is a statistic you can really alienate some people with. I felt like I had proven my worth. I was merely a taker using things and people to justify my irresponsibility and immaturity. I was not liked by many, but who were they to judge?

Unfortunately, offense without consequence engenders offense without reason. In my off duty hours, I progressively got worse. I was arrested in Guam, Philippines, Korea, Australia, Hong Kong, and even in Mexico. I never got into any legal trouble. In fact while on a party in Mexico, the Executive Officer of the ship paid my bail! It sure is nice to know the right people!

On the last trip to the Philippines, the ship's captain had volunteered our ward room to host a New Year's day (1984) breakfast reception for an international consortium in Manila. There were to be important people in government from several countries. He was confident in my abilities to put on the show.

My opportunity had come! I planned the entire event, I wrote menus and recipes. My staff spent the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve buffing silver and polishing brass. We scraped and painted and degreased and shined everything. As the meeting approached, I baked cookies, breakfast pastries and prepared hors doevres for the occasion that it was -- a big deal! ...and I was responsible as the host! I was ready.

Of Course, being New Year's Eve, ....

The next morning, I awoke to a beam of light blasting my forehead. It was roughly 8:45 AM. I was in a back room of a bar. Ship was set to move at Nine.

The taxi dropped my off as the gangplank was being lifted from the dock. it clanked on the pier as I stepped onto it and clanked on the ship as I handed my military ID to the quartermaster. My chin could not have been more firmly implanted in my chest. I was ordered to captain's mast, the Navy's version of the Supreme Court.

"Mr. Holland, do you realize that you have let down the whole United States of America?"

"Yes, sir." I thought about his statement, "...the whole USA?" My chest actually swelled. I was important!

I was demoted to the enlisted mess hall, but I had my moment in the sun. The crew knew where I had been. I was a hero. The glory of the world is truly pitiful. Somewhere along the way, my values, priorities, and principles had become warped.

An interesting thing was happening to me spiritually. I had to either change my behavior or dispense with my inbred values. Guilt, remorse, shame were staples of my daily walk with self. Although it was not a conscious decision, I found it easier to ridicule religion, morality, and virtue than to change. Without realizing what I was doing, I commenced to kill God. In my intellectual realm of self-sufficiency, church and any residue of a relation with divine powers were discarded for the aimless pursuit of personal glory. Intellectually, I killed the value system and the God that did not like my behavior. The conscious suicide of conscience. Booze took care of the rest. Addiction is the purest form of idolatry. I didn't know that. I just didn't know that I didn't know. Sleep and laughter were ghost towns.

Within months I was due to be released. They offered quite a package to reenlist, but I hated authority, and besides, I had visions of bigger and better things. I was going to set the world ablaze, and every one would then know that I was something!

-- then, I would belong.

It must be tough being a brown pigeon.