Basic Progress - Prologue

In all of my life's struggles, there is not one that compares to the struggle of being step parent. God knows I want the best for Brittany and Courtney. Brenda loves them more than life itself. Those are two radically different statements.

I could be more objective. She had the bond with them. I could determine rules and boundaries. She wanted them to experience childhood. I could be firm and stick to my principles. She had held them in her hands knowing they were a part of her.

Who is right? We both are. Maybe that is why God desires marriage. Two different attitudes and outlooks providing a whole picture for one another and family. With extended families, the blood lines often overlook what's best. They have a father, I never intended to replace him, didn't want to. In fact, the girls were not allowed to talk bad about him. I was not a bad parent, I just wasn't a great daddy in many ways.

Step in laws are hell. I don't think I'll go there. I have never had good relations with any of my in laws, so that is probably more about me than them. I will say this: my experience is that they rarely respect the decisions of step parents. All things being equal, that is wrong. Nevertheless, they have their rights to be considered as well.

That's the honest truth. Nevertheless, the girls adapted well. The problem was that the parents struggled and fought over what was in their best interest. This is true for many marriages, let it not go unsaid, when two people argue, they might love each other anyway. When people don't argue, they might not anyway. If there is passionate disagreement, it is necessarily because their is emotional investment. That in of itself is not bad.

I felt that there was a need for a change in career. I had failed enough at the food business. I decided to become an independent insurance agent and signed multiple insurance contracts expanding my inventory of products. One of the companies asked me to attend training in Little Rock, Arkansas. At the seminar, I found out that this company had merged with another and that the head sales positions in several states had come open. I decided that I wanted to take over Colorado.

I worked toward this goal. At the end of the girls' school semester, I sent Brenda to find us a house. A week later, she called to inform me that I needed to come and sign papers if I approved.

On July 4, the girls, Brenda & myself were throwing snowballs at each other on top of the world. The mountain peaks in Colorado hadn't melted. We had a new hope and understanding of God's will for us. We came back to Texas to finalize plans for our move to Greeley, Colorado. Our home would be finished in two months.

Things started going haywire. The deal fell through. I again went into a depression.

I drove to Fort Worth to see my brother. We sat in his office at the law firm. I told him what all had happened. I complained and I moaned about the restaurant and the insurance business and cooking and ...oh.., life was terrible. I paused, contemplating my plight. I, then, like a flash realized that everything I was saying was true,.. I began to sob uncontrollably. I was pitiful.

"Oh, Shut up!"

I probably had been a tad bit melodramatic.

He continued,

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"What difference does that make?"

"I'll tell you what. If you'll figure out what line of work you can be comfortable in, I'll pay for your books and tuition."

I was not impressed, "Man, that's nice, but, I'm married and have two daughters. I can't do anything like that. Thanks, anyway."

"Jay, this is the only time I'll offer you this. You have three days to respond before I withdraw the offer." How did he know I had a propensity to procrastinate?

I called him the next morning and accepted his proposal

Two weeks later, Brenda and I came out to Abilene for two nights. As we drove back to East Texas, I had been accepted into ACU. and we had a home to live in. We knew where God wanted us to be!

Since receiving my degree in Psychology from Abilene Christian University, I have founded basic progress ministries. Originally, I was teaching the twelve steps in the prisons. I realized that in my own life, the twelve steps were vital to my initial changes, and instrumental to my accepting of God and his first born. For that reason, I developed the second stage, which provides a forum for spiritual maturity that leads to God's plan for humans. The third phase was then developed as a Christian discussion group that allows the new Christian to interact with others in the same environment. My experiences in the last three years are indicative of God's ability to work through the most desperate of cases -- my own.

One day, after a sterling discussion on 'surrender,' one of the inmates was shuffling in the back of the classroom. He was obviously wanting to ask a question, but was hoping for some privacy. I walked over to him.

He rolled up his sleeves and showed me his wrists. They were striped with butterfly scars. He had tried cutting his wrists on more than one occasion. I was speechless.

I looked up at his puppy dog eyes. He said

"Where do you go to give up?"

I wept.

The fact of the matter is that I have a relationship with God and His Son. My parents are my friends and strongest supporters, as usual. My brother has depended on my advice and counsel more times than he is willing to admit. The truth is that I am now his big brother --again. My sisters have learned to respect me -- again. I love my family and, although they don't always like me, they do love me. My oldest, Brittany, has turned out to be a big fan. My youngest, Courtney, is a quite an inspiration. This past father's day they gave me a card that reads:

Jay,

Happy Father's Day! You are awesome! I'm so glad that you are in our lives. Thank you for everything you have done for us. We love you very much!

Brittany & Courtney.

Fortunately, I have reached a degree of surrender in the managing of my life that I enjoy reflecting on the good ol' days. I was having trouble with personal relationships. I had two different dogs run away from home, two divorces, and two DWI's. From moment to moment, I could be ecstatically engrossed to solemnly remorseful or bitter. Balance was something I knew as the midpoint somewhere in between. I was a prey to misery and depression, I couldn't make a wage suitable for my 'lifestyle.' I was unhappy. I was a good bad example. Although relatively successful in my chosen career, I had a feeling of uselessness. There was a deep hole in my belly that screamed out, "I want to belong!" but my mind, filled with nonsense and self-deception, argued back, "Yeah, but you are better than all of them!" That is all resolved.

It probably would have been easier to explain my underlying personal issues than to deal with events. Confession isn't all that much fun, but then again I have discarded that private chest filled with secrets. Now that is relief. Nevertheless, I think that for my own benefit it has been necessary to look at the nature of my wrongs.

First of all, while I have long since reaped many benefits from the dynamics of my family of origin, at the time, I considered the religion of my youth very radical. I was raised in a conservative home with strict ideas about salvation, grace, church, morality, etc. It was not the most inviting environment for discussion. We were usually informed of truth, which the Bible explained quite clearly. Those who disagreed were functionally illiterate and lacking in common sense. While it seems that others in the household were relatively content, I had no inner peace. I played the 'PK' part well for a while, but when, shortly after my graduation, my parents returned to the mission field, I did not return to a church building, with few exceptions, for well over a decade. Of course in the mid eighties, I got married to my first ex-wife in a church building, and a few years later, I was the guest of another pretty gal who was to eventually become my second ex-wife. Whatever was happening for others in church wasn't happening for me. My heart was not in it or something, I do not know. I just didn't get it. Of course, my background has been vital to my recovery. I am now deeply grateful for my early experiences.

As some point, most of us realize that our parents are human. They were never superheroes, they were just our heroes. They did what had to be done, whatever it took when it needed to be done, whatever the consequences. Sometimes they made mistakes. There is no dress rehearsal for being a parent. Like most experiences, It is usually point blank range. For many of us, who have discovered the inadequacies of our childhood, however severe, we must forgive. We can then be the blessing for our parents, whether they were for us or not.

Second, the numerous moves during my childhood helped to destroy my confidence in people. I was not able to develop long lasting committed friendships. Although a common malady among military brats and missionary kids, I was self-centered to the extreme. I was miserable, and alcohol and drugs became the solution. Being a young strong bullheaded stud, I usually ran faster and lasted longer than most others. There were highlights, but the low lights disproportionately outweighed them.

Lastly, I was not one to plan ahead. I did not want to go to school; apparently I preferred to keep on drifting through life. Having worked in restaurants since high school, I decided to be a cook; or rather, I decided to be a 'world-renowned chef.' For training, I decided to join the Navy --certainly I could impress them. The recruiter explained the results of the entrance exam. I had scored the highest score in that region for that year. I was informed that I could be anything I wanted to be: nuclear mechanic, radar technician, could eventually qualify for training as an officer anything. My mind, however, was made up. There is little doubt that I impressed that recruiter; wherever he is, in all likelihood he still tells the tale of the high-scoring fool who just wanted to cook! In summary, I was not equipped with a good combination of character assets designed for success: I was disorganized, selfish, stupid, and addicted to booze. Oh well, if life gives you lemons, take them and throw them at people.

I see now that many of my complaints were valid. Life isn't always fair. The church isn't perfect. I struggled with a commitment to the people of God. After much prayer and consideration, it finally came to me. The answer hit me like a thunderbolt! I understood what was wrong with the church. It was a moment that altered my view of humanity. That truth is this: The church is made up entirely of human beings! We go there because we need to, not because of any other qualifications. Those who presume otherwise are doomed.

Now, I am happily married with two stepdaughters, a cat, and a dog that wags it's tail when I show up! I know freedom from fear and experience relatively long periods of serenity. I am not engaged in any litigation, even traffic fines, and my bills get paid monthly. I can see now how my experiences in the trenches of life can be of benefit to others. The amazing statement that I make is that I now belong and I am not special, probably just abnormal! I believe that what I have experienced is available to all who seek. It is simply a matter of letting them know what happened to me and Legion, for we are many.

Do you think God had me go through this, so I could be a more effective parent, son, citizen, husband, friend, or minister? Naaaah... I did that to me... He's doing this for me. This is much easier. I have dedicated my life to be of maximum service to God, and to provide the assistance necessary to help as many people as possible develop a relationship with God. I will continue to grow spiritually if I keep doing the right things and keep thinking the right thoughts. I am right where I'm supposed to be -- just like that brown pigeon.

I'll leave you with my favorite affirmation from the Old Testament. It comes from Habakkuk 3: 17-19:

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet, I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to go on to the heights.

Post Script:

This story was completed in 1999. I have decided to leave it basically unedited. I am currently working on a sequel entitled, "A Bad Good Example,' which will deal more specifically with the struggles of living a Christian life while still being human! It isn't a party all the time, but it is far better than anything I could have ever imagined, much less hoped for.

May the God of Peace be with you.


Dr. Jay Holland
Founder & Executive officer
Basic Progress Ministries